Darkscan

Common Patterns Among Abusers and Neglecters of Children

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Parental Indicators of Possible Abuse or Neglect: (especially if a child has signs of it)

·        Insensitive – (passive neglect)

o   Apathy toward a child’s basic needs for food, shelter or clothing.

o   Apathy / denial / unawareness / irritability toward a child’s injury, illness, or developmental delays.

·        Unrealistic

o   Unrealistic fear that only severe punishment can keep their children righteous.

o   Unrealistic expectations of their children or of themselves as parents.

·        Control / Frustration Issues

o   Anger about a child’s behavior seems to be out of proportion to the situation.

o   Cabin fever:  socially isolated, with little time away from their child(ren).

o   Telling how “nervous” their child makes them.

o   Scapegoating one of their children as being different or bad.

·        Manifest Sense of Guilt over Abuse

o   Express fear that they may harm their child.

o   Uncomfortable relating to their child in the presence of an outsider.

·        Generational Cycle of Abuse

o   The adult has seemingly very low self-esteem.

·        Weirdness / Creepiness (sexual abuse)

o   Previous child sexual abuse in the family.

o   Excessive interest in a daughter’s activities with her male friends & other peers.

o   Unusual amount of – or inappropriate – physical contacts between family members.

o   Marked role reversal between parent and child.

·        Domineering Father (sexual abuse)

o   Rigid role structure (domineering father; passive abused mother).

o   Other domestic violence.

o   Blaming the victim (as excuse): complaints about a seductive child.

Parental Risk Factors for Abuse / Neglect: Stress or poor coping mechanisms, such as any of the following, either alone or together. BUT not all parents at risk maltreat their child(ren).

·        Financial Underdogs: unemployment; poverty; lack of a high school diploma

·        Burdens at Home: developmentally or physically disabled child; isolation; single parent

·        Abused/Neglected: as a child or by a partner. A third of victims (especially worst cases) will maltreat their own children. But they may do it differently than was done to them.

·        Mental Challenges: mental illness (PTSD, depression); substance abuse; marital conflict.

·        Unpreparedness:

o   As mothers:  unplanned or premarital pregnancy.

o   Unawareness: of (1) child’s needs or development &/or (2) good parenting methods.

o   Unwillingness to adapt for the child: e.g., where a paramour is in the home.

Breakout of Parental Abusers / Neglecter:  Most but not all are young (age bracket 25-34).

Mothers acting alone:                                                                         ~40 %

Fathers acting alone:                                                                          >20 %

Parents acting together; in some cases, another person is also:      >20 %

Nonparent:                                                                                          >13 %

The >13% nonparents includes: ~4.7% other relatives; 2.8% parent’s unmarried partner; 2.8% nonrelated adult or child, foster sibling, babysitter, household staff, clergy, or school personnel; and the remainder are miscellaneous or unknown.

~ 12.5% (1 in 8) of cases involve an alcoholic caregiver.

~ 30.7% (3 in 10) of cases involve a caregiver who abuses drugs.

~ 46.3% (almost half) of perpetrators are male.

Sexual Abuse of Children

Sex-Specific Statistics: Most offenders are known to the child victim, and are household members or are other relatives, neighbors, friends of the family, or authority figures.

·        Offenders

o  GENDER: 88% male; 9% female; 3% unknown

§  Females abuse 12% of victims below age 6; 6% for ages 6-12; and 3% for ages 12-17.

o  AGE: all ages (from children to seniors. 1/3 of sexual abuse is peer-on-peer).

o  DEMOGRAPHICS: all races, occupations, and socioeconomic groups

o  FAMILY OFFENDERS: 49% for under age 6; 42% for age 7-11; 24% for age 12-17.

·        Events

o  HOMES: most child sexual abuse is in a home: the victim’s, offender’s, or third party’s.

o  ONE-ON-ONE: 81% of child sexual abuse is between one offender and one child.

o  REPORTS: The FBI estimates that only 10-40% of sex crimes are ever reported.

Warning signs of adults who sexually abuse children:

·       Ignoring boundaries (social, emotional or physical), making others uncomfortable. Examples are: teasing or belittling; insisting on unwanted physical contact (hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling or holding); and crude comments and jokes.

·       Breaking sexual taboos habitually. Examples are: obsessing over a developing body; interfering with normal teen dating; allowing inappropriate behaviors by young people; walking in on them in the bathroom; and exposing them to adult sexual interactions.

·       Age-inappropriate relationships. Adult perpetrators turn to a young person instead of an adult for emotional or physical comfort. These perpetrators have few or no adult friends. Or the adult friends they do have behave the same way.

·       Doting and secrecy. Offenders spend unusual amounts of time alone with a young person. They have “secret” interactions with the child (games, secret gifts, drugs, alcohol or sexual material) or spend excessive time emailing, texting or calling the child.

Sexual Abuse: The Grooming Process

Sexual abusers often groom children over a period ranging from hours to months or years, almost instinctively. Even without sexual contact it is a federal offense (18 U.S.C. § 2422). Experts break out the steps in various ways. The acronym TARNISH below summarizes the process.

T – Targeting.       Offenders do “PEDO” (as in pedophile) targeting: Picking Easy-access Docile Overlooked children. This looks for low-parented and sometimes risk-taking kids. Prevention: protect children who are under-protected at home.

A – Approaching. Offenders use positions of trust, or create one to win the trust of children and other adults at home, online, institutionally, at a park, or volunteering or a job with children. Prevention: if anyone seems too good to be true, look out.

R – Romancing.    Offenders study a child’s enthusiasms and needs (affection, friendship, ego), and meet them with kindness, encouragement, flattery, gifts, and friendship. Prevention: be cautious of anyone who is too tuned-in to a child’s needs.

N – Neutralizing.   Some offenders sow distrust between parents and children preemptively, breaking taboos in secret (e.g., child smoking), yet telling parents that the child lies, acts out or exaggerates. Prevention: give children the benefit of the doubt.

I – Isolating.           Offenders arrange chances to be alone with the child: babysitting, tutoring, coaching, special trips, etc. Prevention: minimize chances to isolate a child; and/or have someone watch the watchers and their communications.

S – Seducing.       Offenders exploit childish curiosity to remove stigmas and sexualize things. It may progress from porn or nakedness to masturbation, mutual touching, and penetration. Prevention: teach children early about the birds and the bees.  

H – Hiding.            Offenders hide the sex. They use blame, guilt, threats, sextortion, or tell the child that exposure could hurt them or others. The child feels conflicted. Prevention: caution children against sexting and against dark secrets.   

For more information, see:

Parents Anonymous, a non-profit organization that offers training and support groups for parenting and for coping mechanisms for stress. Toll-free hotline: (800) 554-2323.

Anonymous, “Child Abuse is Scary” (Parents Anonymous, Inc., 1977), cited by http://dhss.alaska.gov/ocs/Pages/publications/reportingchildabuse.aspx.

Anonymous, “Child Sexual Abuse Statistics” (The National Center for Victims of Crime, 2012), cited by http://dhss.alaska.gov/ocs/Pages/publications/reportingchildabuse.aspx.

Anonymous, “Child Maltreatment 2018” (Children’s Bureau, of the Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Administration for Children & Families, of the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services). The data is in the National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System (NCANDS).

Anonymous, “Violence prevention: risk factors,” (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), at https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/riskprotectivefactors.html

Anonymous, “Intergenerational patterns of child maltreatment: what the evidence shows,” (August, 2016) (Children’s Bureau, of the Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Administration for Children & Families, of the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services) posted at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/intergenerational.pdf.

Anonymous, U.S. Department of Justice, National Sex Offender Website, SMART Program at    https://www.nsopw.gov/en/SafetyAndEducation

Daniel Pollack, “Understanding sexual grooming in child abuse cases,” (American Bar Association, November 1, 2015) at  https://www.americanbar.org/groups/public_interest/child_law/resources/child_law_practiceonline/child_law_practice/vol-34/november-2015/understanding-sexual-grooming-in-child-abuse-cases/

J. Wolak, L. Evans, S. Nguyen, & D.A. Hines, “Online predators: Myth versus reality,” New England Journal of Public Policy 25(1): Article 6, p. 1-11 (September 22, 2013), at https://scholarworks.umb.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=&httpsredir=1&article=1646&context=nejpp

Elizabeth L. Jeglic, “What parents need to know about sexual grooming,” Psychology Today (January 16, 2019), at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/protecting-children-sexual-abuse/201901/what-parents-need-know-about-sexual-grooming

Elizabeth L. Jeglic and Cynthia A. Calkins, Protecting your child from sexual abuse: What you need to know to keep your kids safe (2018, New York, Skyhorse Publishing), at https://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Your-Child-Sexual-Abuse/dp/1510728686

Anonymous, “Grooming and red flag behaviors,” (undated) at https://www.d2l.org/child-grooming-signs-behavior-awareness/

Rosemary Webb and Jennifer Mitchell, “A profile of the child molester,” (2019) at https://childluresprevention.com/resources/molester-profile/